Lingerers Are Weird

Lingerers: Those silly mother fuckers that feel the need to stick around someone else's house, when they're clearly unaware of the fact that the residents of the household don't actually want you there longer than necessary.  That's my definition, so if you don't like it then suck a fatty.  If you have to think to yourself, I wonder if these people care that I'm at their house, the answer is yes.  They care and they're probably wondering why the fuck you are still sitting there, but take note, they will never say anything out of the sake of being polite.  However, if you feel this way, take this simple advice: Get up and go the fuck home.

Before you get your panties in a bunch, let me elaborate.  We love having guests.  We're a college house comprised of social butterflies, so come on over whenever it is that you'd like, let's hang out and stuff.  However, if we make an executive decision to watch a chick flick on a hungover afternoon, and you want to sit in the same room and rip on everything that seems remotely ridiculous in every scene.  Get out, your opinion sucks and I hate you.  If you bummed one of my final few cigs the night before, and your still at my house in the morning, don't you DARE ask to bum another cig from me.  I probably gave you one last night to get you to shut the fuck up, however this morning I am in an extremely different mood.  I obviously need the cigs I have left, seeing as I am not in any shape to go to the store to get more.  You can linger while we smoke the morning cig, as long as you have your own.  But then it's time to go.

Now I am sure plenty of you have had unexpected guests come home after a night that was creepy and weird, and in the morning you have that feeling in your stomach that tells you that the day will be consisting of hanging out over the porcelain gods.  If that isn't bad enough, you then realize your terrible mistake from the night before is still, for some un-fucking-known reason, in your bed.  This is when the trouble really starts.  You think, maybe if I leave the room and make some noise they will wake up and leave, so you bang in to everything you see on your way out.  You mosey around the house to find who else is up, and who else is trying to get someone out of their bed.  After some time goes by and you notice that no one has left the house yet, you back in there.  All you want to do right now is dump water on this creep's head and get him/her the fuck out of there.  But because you're being the considerate one, you wait a little longer.  For those of you who are slightly embarrassed right now because you're remembering a time when you stayed a little too long,  you should be.  Get the fuck out of my bed, my room, my house and my life.  The only exception is if I actually like you.  Then stick around, duh!

The moral of the story is, you will know if you are wanted around.  Most of the time we whine like small children if you are trying to leave and we want you to stay, sometimes even cry (cough, you know who you are).  If you're unsure, exit immediately.  Smoke your cigs once you walk out the door, we'll wave from the balcony.

Strangely Phenomenal Sunday

As we go back and ponder over what today has entailed, we cannot fathom being more content with the way things played out.  It was not only the strangest Sunday I've yet to experience, but it was hands down one of the most fun and memorable days to date.  I sit here with a smug smile on my face as the day comes to a close.  Let me break it down for you.

We woke up abnormally early this morning with plans of going to the Bengals game.  Usually our Sundays consist of waking up whenever that may be, while Vanstar departs for work around noon or really any time remotely close to that because, essentially, Pops is her bitch along with the entire facility of Good Fellows.  Once we awake, we decide to ease our hangover with pepperoni baseballs and cheese fries, and once this is done we lounge and partake in other bum-tastic activities.  However, today we got up around 10:00 AM and got ready for the Bengals game and went downtown to our friend's older sister's tight ass apartment.  For lack of better words, "tight ass" is really the only way to describe this place because it's exactly what it was.  There was free beer, skyline dip, along with a huge window that opens up to a balcony overlooking downtown Cincinnati, and is only about a hop, skip and a jump away from Paul Brown Stadium.  We drank as we pleased, had Alli uphold her side of the bet for passing out first at our latest party which involved taking a buttery-nipple shot Vanstar snagged for free at a random gas station (what?), and soaked up feeling like celebrities for a little while until we left for the game.

Our seats were conveniently placed right in front of these fantastic old men, who happened to be just as perverted as we are, and had a never ending supply of hand-warmers that they were constantly pulling out of their ass to give to us because I guess we looked slightly pathetic.  Whatever, they were awesome, pouring flasks into their pop bottles and everything, aka our lives in 30 years.  The strangest aspect, however, of the Bengals game was that they won beating the browns 19-17, which shouldn't be as surprising as it is, but anyone can beat the shitty Bengals these days.  So we were pretty hyped about that, obviously justifying their win with our presence at the stadium as good luck charms.  Obviously.  It's really strange how we bitched about buying beers for $7.25, while still continuing to do so hoping that the old men would buy them for us. Never happened.  Hell of a run, money, see ya later!

After the game, we dropped off our friends Alli and Eric, while honking this really funny-sounding horn for a little, all the while pissing our pants at the sound until we snapped out of it. A few of us went straight to Good Fellows considering we were starving from lack of food, and got free beers. Score! Next thing we know, we're hanging out in the back of the kitchen by the fryers with our Canadian friend, Johnny, who let us partake in Canadian activities with him resulting in uncontrollable giggles.  Once we finally exited the secret kitchen party, it suddenly dawned upon us that we needed to get out of there asap.  We were in no shape or form to be in public any longer, and it was time to go.  However, we did make a pit-stop at Kroghetto for Zanzabar to pick up $9.00 cookies for her work party, but we couldn't go in at all until we chilled out and let the giggles reside.  You would've thought it was our first rodeo at this point.  It was kind of sick how much fun we were having as just the three of us.  Slightly embarrassing, yet I have no shame.

Once we finally reached our house and final destination, our minds were a little blown and slightly confused from all of the activities we had just taken part in, and we said no words.  Instead, we sat here in silence until we all drifted off into naps, inevitably watching the same exact shows over and over.  Again, next thing I know, I'm waking up at the same time as Vanstar and Annie is returning from her work party even more trashed than before.  We concluded our day with a midnight dinner from Taco Bell, and with big plans of being strange money-makahs come tomorrow.  If that's not outstanding, I don't know what is.  Be jealous, large audience, be really fucking jealous.
Ciiiiiig and goodnight!

Good Fellows Is Strange

Working at an ever classy establishment on short vine, (For those of you who aren't familiar with short vine)  I witness a lot of crazy shit every time I work.  Now keep in mind I am a 21 year old white girl, and the bar I work at is majority black.  No big deal, I have been working there for a year so obviously I can manage.
So basically 86% of the customers are regulars, which means I know almost everyone that lives on or around short vine because they love mother fucking good fellows, it's their shit.  You can imagine when I first started working there, being a young white girl, people tried to fuck with me.  Okay, first of all I'm not fucking scared of you.  Yes, you may be an older black man with tattoos all over, but your not fucking scary, and if you were I would not be working here.  Quit fucking with me.  It's not funny--your not scary--and I know your trying to be funny.  Oooh cool you can fuck with a young white girl to try to impress your friends, real fucking classy.  This one man, probably around 43 (will remain nameless) has 2 tear drop tattoos, among others.  Mister, why are you crying? Are you sad? So to make a long story short, one fine evening after a number of tangs and brews, he tells me he as seen me in winton terrace.  Uhhhhhh great ya fucking creep now I can never go to the hausfelds house again!  This other clown is such an arrogant ass hole and feels the need to ask why I have an attitude.  Bitch, you are the reason I have an attitude.  I can't fucking stand you, and you know it.  Also you have no two front teeth!  This is not a joke people, he does not have his front teeth, and for some un-fucking-known reason he thinks he is a pimp.  No.  And I can't leave out the dick who, when I went around picking up empty glasses said "hey, I don't like white people touching my drinks"  The bartender was white, so really you have fucking issues.  And the glass is empty, so I know your fucking with me.  I would also appreciate it if you would not call me things such as "miss lady, mama, baby, hey you, sa-vaughn-uh" Thanks.  Now don't get me wrong, there are a lot of people that are super sweet who I love seeing every sunday.  Especially the ones who are nice AND tip well.  They are awesome and actually really really funny.  Your the best!
I work with some really cool black girls (I am the only white one), and there are a lot of cool regulars I know, but seriously there are some fucking caddy bitches that come to the GFels.  I am not your bitch.  I mean I kind of am because I have to clean up after your grimy ass, but you do not have to take advantage of the fact that I'm your bitch.  Clean up your shit.  There are garbage cans for a reason you cunt.  And if you are over 200 pounds, do not wear your fucking stilettos into this establishment.  Somewhat because it looks super fucking strange, but mostly because you literally make dents in the hard wood floor, which is why it looks like shit.  If your skinny and looking fabulous, you go ahead and do your thing girl, but if not save yourself the embarrassment and wear flat shoes and clothes that cover your cottage cheese.  And speaking of cottage cheese, this one night a 50 year old, 50 wearing velour short ass shorts and a tank top clearly displaying her sagging tits, thinks it is a good idea to dance on top of the bar.  As you can imagine, this sight disgusted me.  Her entire body was literally flopping around like a tub of jello--a big tub.  While this is going on, it for some reason encourages other younger girls to get on the bar to prove they were better dancers...it was a complete disaster.  Meanwhile, the bartender is wasted and instigating the situation, and the man with no 2 front teeth gave these 10 year olds (why they were in a bar at midnight with their wasted parents is beyond me) dollar bills to throw at the whores.  Two people fell off the bar that night, one being the jiggly old lady, which was definitely my fault she fell off, but that story's for another time and place.  And that is when I decided to never again work a friday or saturday night.  Okay, enough about whores.  You get the point, my job is fucking nuts every single day.  There are plenty of perks which I don't think should be discussed at this moment, but basically what I'm saying is I have a love/hate relationship with good fellows.  One perk being that every sunday I can count on gip and annie to come eat and hang out for a little, so now they are regs too.  And it is always a surprise when they bring a different person to join in the festivities and introduce to a whole new world, a dazzling place they never knew.  So if your looking for new horizons to pursue, take a gander over to short vine and stop in good fellows to holla at ya girl. (make sure it's a sunday)

Now to step in to the freezing cold winter wonderland...BOO WINTER.

Strange Christmas!

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE ROHS HOES!

Facebook Statuses Are Strange

We all update our facebook status frequently, or at least log on to facebook once in a while to read the pointless shit people post on there.  And we all know the giggly feeling we get inside when we log on and see at least 4 people have "liked" our status, or even commented! Well hey there ms. popular!
There are those certain occasions, however when some douche completely ruins the mood with a gay fucking status.  And I don't mean gay as in homosexual (well sometimes), I mean just flat out dumb.  Like for those of you who feel the need to tell me exactly what you are doing that day and the next, and the next, fuck you.  I don't give a what what!  That's what away messages were for,  not facebook.  If you have to work, COOL. So do I.  And why do you think I want to know that you are going to the mall, picking up your sister and writing a paper later?  What, do you want me to meet you at the mall?  Or do you just want people to know that you actually do other things besides sit at your computer and update facebook.
I would like to take this time to thank all of you girls that do have boyfriends, for taking the time out of your day to try to rub it in my face.  I am fully aware I am single and god dammit I enjoy it.  You are not the only girl in the entire fucking  world that thinks your boyfriend is the best.  And I promise you, he is not  the best.  Maybe you think he is but the rest of the world does not.  By all means, if you love your boyfriend and you think he is a fucking god, you go ahead and be happy.  But please leave facebook out of it.  How about instead of preaching about how fucking sweet he is you go enjoy that bastards company and see a movie or bone or something. For the love of god, just stop burning my eyes with your sappy statuses before I gouge them out in your honor.
Further, please stop complaining to the world about how shitty your life is.  If you're hung up over a guy and you want to tell all of the Facebook nation how much you hate your life and hate guys (or girls for all of you pussies out there), here's a big fucking whoopty-doo for your lame ass.  We really, REALLY, do not care.  If you haven't noticed, which I simply can't believe, you're making yourself look completely and utterly pathetic.  Like are you seriously that depressed that some guy played the fuck out of you? If so, why? Think about it, you naive little pansy.  Not to mention, you're all blatant attention whores.  I can't stand I see a status that reads, "Fuck this. I hate my life so much just don't care anymore!!!!! >:(", at which all of your kiss ass friends reply, "OMG babe what happened?!?!?!?" and then you write back "Text me...." Seriously, if you're going to be all pisspants and make a status begging for attention from others, the least you can do is let everyone in on what you're upset about.  You know what I like to call that? Fucking idiotic.  You're leaving all of us attentive followers of your invigorating status updates in the dust, and we are upset because of it. Sike.  Get a life and get a backbone, you look fucking stupid.
If you find yourself shaking your head in disagreement, it is probably because you actually do these things and are mad we called you out on it.  If you agree with us completely, kudos to you!  You may or may not be a tool. Plus we're always right so it is probably to your benefit to agree with us.  Go ahead and post your new facebook status, but for the sake of my sanity please at least make it worthwhile.  Throw a little joke in there or something, make it juicy.  And for pete's sake, lay off the hearts! <3 they fucking suck and are close to being the cheesiest thing on facebook.
BYE you HELLO porch.

People with Fanny Packs are Strange

Why do people that continue to wear fanny packs think they are so goddamn funny? There's not too much I can elaborate on for this topic because it's just stupid.  Assholes, fanny packs were cool in the 80s and that's it.  The fact that you're still wearing them out and taking pictures of yourselves wearing them with a big two thumbs up thinking that you're funny makes me wanna back hand you.  It's not funny and it never has been.  It was a fad in the 80s, aka stop fucking wearing them.  If you're being an 80s person for Halloween, go the fuck ahead and wear one then, whatever.  But for the love of god, don't go around on some ego trip thinking that you're humoring everyone with your fanny pack because you're not.  For your own sake, I'm telling you this from the bottom of my heart, you look like a chauch.  People aren't laughing with you, they are laughing AT you, plain and simple.  And don't give some excuse like, "But it helps me not lose all my shitttt.." hello? Did you forget about pockets? Purses perhaps?  These little gadgets were made solely for you to carry your shit in and not lose it.  If you have holes in your pockets and you lose your purse, then that's your own damn fault.  But do not give credit to a fucking fanny pack because in no way, shape or form does it justify anything.  I hate fanny packs and I hate all of you.  It takes everything inside of me to not rip that thing off of you and drop kick it into the abyss while muttering the words "fuck you" while this is taking place.  I may seem angry, but I'm just merely annoyed.  I know what funny is, but apparently you don't because fanny packs do not have a designated spot in this category.  Sorry if I burst your bubble, that's life.
On a brighter note, Happy Birthday Zannzabar!
Squirrel time!

Squirrels are Ridiculous

While sitting on our back balcony as frequently as we do, inevitably we witness the outrageous zoo life that gathers in our backyard.  And no, we are not talking about Canadians and jungle fever, we actually are talking about real live animals.  You know, birds, lizards (what the fuck, lizards in Clifton?), raccoons, your occasional nasty ass opossum that creeps across the wall unless we mack it with a bottle and it plays dead, yes, this happens a lot more frequently than you'd imagine.  But the majority of the time, we spend our balcony breaks watching squirrels in amazement.  Squirrels galore I tell you! They are so fucking strange.

The things that they do are just outrageous.  We've witnessed squirrels spying on other squirrels while peeking over the fence, we took a picture it was awesome.  Sometimes, they get so close to us that we don't know whether to sit and admire, or run for our fucking lives.  They'll climb branches and get to the point that they're literally about 3 feet away from us eating their little apples, but you don't know what a squirrel is going to do next do you?  They stare at you directly in your eyes, and I mean, you don't know whether it's a good stare or I'm about to pounce on your ass stare.  Squirrels are nuts, no pun intended.  Most of the time we just stay seated and silently freak out until it runs away, but what the fuck?  Back up squirrel, you're getting way too close to my grill and it's not okay.

Lately, they like to go through our trash when they think they can get away with it, little grimy bastards.  Yet, somehow someone always ends up abruptly walking out the door to catch them at which point they jump off the trash can, stop directly in front of you debating which way to run, and then book it.  Squirrels, our trash is not your buffet, your dragging trash all around our yard and you're sick fucks anyways for trying to eat garbage. Go get a nut or something.

But when you really think about it, have you ever seen a squirrel walk?  Like simply stroll along?  Usually they're frantically running around jumping from branch to branch and shit because they're squirrels and can do whatever the fuck they want ( which is awesome in my opinion), but guess what?  I saw a squirrel WALK.  Most bizarre thing I've ever witnessed.  It didn't look right, I second guessed my sanity for a minute.

One day as we were sitting outside, we heard this absurd, high pitched noise.  Now, I don't know if you have ever heard this and just ignored it, or if you were as bewildered as me when you realized thats how squirrels fucking communicate.  They sound like a hybrid between a dolphin and a bird.  Absolutely ridiculous.  And then I'm looking around trying to spot the creature chatting away and it appears as though this punk ass squirrel is looking right at me from his little tree branch, ready to launch a chestnut at me.  Excuse me bitch, you are in my backyard, so check yourself and scram kid.

While pondering the life of a squirrel just 5 minutes ago,  I thought "hey, how do they know who their family is?  Do they hang out with the same friends all the time?  I wonder if they have little squirrel parties.  BYON"  I mean they are like asians, they all look the same.  How do they tell who is who?  I suppose we'll never know the answer to these questions, and I am sure there are scientific theories, but those really mean nothing to me.  I think I'll wait to ask a squirrel myself next time one is chilling in the garbage can.  Keep up the good work you strange little barbarians, you're blowing our minds. Time to go watch some more squirrels if ya know what I mean.

It's Strange How You Are Always On Your Cell Phone

First let me admit, I love my iphone. I really really do, and I understand all you people who also love your cell phones.  As a society, we would be mother fucking lost without our digital connections.  What, with our facebook and twitter and texting, and even walkie talkie-ing, aren't we just technologically savvy.  But one thing that really makes me super fucking pissed is when people use their cell phones at the most inappropriate times.

Okay, let me be a diva for just one second..if you come up to my fucking counter or bar to order food from me, you tell that person your on the phone with to hold on one hot second so you can order your chicken waangs.  I don't really give a flaming fuck what Bon Qui Qui did last night, or who is pregnant, or which player played your ass.  Get off your phone.  I will not stand there and wait for your phone conversation to finish.  I will walk away and get other shit done and make you wait for me.  Also if you are ordering food from me, hear your phone ring, AND answer it and tell me to hold on, you are just a shameless dick.  I hate you.  You better believe I am moving on to the next customer.   If you are in my fucking sales room, you put that shit on silent.  Why are you gonna answer your phone just to tell that person that you have to call them back.  You are only pissing that person off, because obviously they need something, but you choose to tease them by answering your phone, only to basically hang up on them again.  Just hater button that shit.  And if you answer it and decide to have a full fucking conversation then you might just be one of the most rude people on planet Earth.  Everyone, just put your phone away when someone is waiting on you.

Another time you should not be on your phone is while you are at dinner with either a) a date. b) all your best friends. c) important people from work.  d) anyone else you feel is somewhat important.  Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule, like if you are trying to signal to your friends to save you from the disaster of a date you are on, or making plans for the evening.  Let's say you go to eat at a nice place with your best friends.  Why are you sexting your life away?  All your friends are with you, who could you be texting?  and why do they matter more than your friends?  They don't, so quit being a chach.

Listen, there are plenty of times that it is acceptable to be chatting on your mobile, but sometimes just take a look around and realize you are acting like a jackass.  If you are the only one with a phone out, you should probably put it away.  Use a little common sense people!

And please don't answer your phone to tell me you have to call me right back.  I'd rather it go to voicemail.

balcony.

Oprah is strange.

Here me out, I'm all about girl power and all that shit.  Like girls pay for boys now and stuff (bullshit) but whatever, it's cool.  Society has changed, I get it.  However, people are all on Oprah's nuts saying she's going to take over the world and all that jazz, I don't really understand.  I simply cannot wrap my mind around it.  Don't get me wrong, part of me thinks she's a saint for all the shit she gives away and all the poor people she helps.  She asks certain people that million-dollar question that everyone is dying to know and gets away with it.  Touche, Oprah.  You had a rough upbringing and now you're a billionaire, I dig it.  HOWEVER, why do you interrupt everyone?  People come on your show with their sob stories, they are gracing you with their presence, attracting Americans to watch your show, yet you never fail to fucking interrupt them.  If some girl is crying, talking about when she was kidnapped in Africa by a wild tribe that wants to take her hostage for her blonde hair, why in the fuck are you going to interrupt her in the midst of her intense story?? WHY?!  I can't deny that I watch her show because, I mean come on, she has some really interesting shit sometimes, you all know you want to see what she's got cookin'.  But it makes my blood boil when people are fulfilling their purpose for coming on the show by simply telling their story, and you're hardly listening to what they're saying because you're too goddamn focused on what question you're going to ask next IN THE MIDDLE of the juicy shit they're already elaborating on.  My skin crawls every time you do it, seriously.  When I'm completely caught up in this person's experience, possibly even on the verge of crying (it happens dude, fuck you), the last thing I want to hear is your voice.  Wait until they are done speaking, and then speak.  It's common courtesy, you should know this by now being a 50 year old or whatever the fuck age you are.  Also, there's too many commercials, too fucking many.  You let these people talk for a total of about 5 give or take minutes, and then you interrupt them, imagine that, and say your little annoying line.. "We'll be right back". NOOOO, it just got so intense, why do we have to watch the commercials in order to see how this bitch escaped from Africa?  I am so impatient along with over half of the world, and you want to make all of us dedicated viewers wait 5 more minutes to watch your next 5-minute long segment just to crush my dreams again.  It's bullshit! I love you Oprah, but I also love to hate you Oprah because sometimes you are rude.  You're not fucking allowed to be rude because you are Oprah.  I get it that you're super rich and you feel that you can do whatever you want, include interrupt people and have an outlandish amount of commercials during your show, but newsflash bitch.  You're pissing everyone off.  I know some of you Oprah-devoted fucks are going to be mad at me and I apologize.  But whether you're willing to admit it or not, you agree with me and I know it.  Shape up you rich bia you, because you'll make a hell of a lot of people satisfied.  See ya!

It's Strange When People Can't Parallel Park

So your driving to clifton and you already know how shitty the parking situation is.  You start driving around the side streets  just praying for an open spot with a lot of room on each side.  Then you spot it, an open spot not too far away from where you are going to be galavanting around.  But then you notice, some douchebag didn't pull up far enough so your gonna have to squeeze your shit into a tiny ass spot.  Alright, you got this, you have paralleled a thousand times before, but this time you have 2 other people in the car, and naturally there is a car behind you with mass babes waiting for you to get out of the way.  And you blow it. Maneuvering back and forth 12 times like Austin Powers, and you look as dumb as you feel while everyone is staring making fun of you.  It kills me to see how many people do not understand the concept of parallel parking.  Retards, its not that hard.  I don't care how big or small your car is, it should never take you more than 10 seconds to pull in to a spot.  If it does, you suck.  Because I'm feeling extra nice today, I am going to tell you how to park without looking like a complete ass hole.  It may even impress those of the opposite sex around you, and you might get laid that night.  I even included a diagram!

Step 1. Pull up to car 1 almost exactly next to it.

Step 2. Cut your wheel (using this example) just about as hard as you can to the right.

Step 3. While reversing, use your left side mirror and keep going until you see the headlights of car 2.

Step 4. Cut your wheel really hard to the left, and ease in and straighten out as you see fit, depending on how close you are to each car.

Step 5. Thats it! Now your ballin outrageous.

So next time you need to parallel, remember these 5 simple steps.  Save yourself time and embarrassment, because honestly I can't bear to watch another person suck at parking.  It's strange. 

Now I'm going to smoke a cig and watch this clown try to park.  Maybe I'll help him.

Really Strange

To continue from yesterday..this is how strange.....

porch.

We. Are. Strange.

Where do we begin? We find it strange how we literally enjoy talking mass shit, and how hysterical we find ourselves.  Don't get it twisted, we may rip on all of you douchebags a pretty good amount, but we rip on ourselves just as much.  We like to make jokes about how disgusting we are, and how vulgar our lives are.  We can honestly say we're some of the most awkward people you may ever encounter, especially because when we say we don't give a fuck, we really, really don't (Kat Williams voice).  We have the minds of men, and if you think we're kidding, test us seriously.  We'll probably be the first people to talk shit and put you in your place, especially when combined.  The other week this faggot told us to keep being ugly because we didn't want to hear the idiotic shit that repeatedly came out of his mouth.  He was talking about Savannah's glasses? Um, shut the fuck up.  They are real bitch.  Then, when we blew him off, he got all pisspants and tried to insult our phenomenal good looks.  First of all, we know that you're not serious.  You approached us in the first place and tried to spit your awful game ( see post #1),  so if you thought we were so goddamn ugly why did you try and talk to us? Right, joke's on you.  Sorry that you wanted to talk about glasses out your ass, but don't start pouting when we don't want to have anything to do with you.  Second of all, we got you kicked out, due to that fact that you were talking shit.  However, we turned around and talked shit right back, to which you threatened to throw us through a door? Check yourself.

On a brighter note, we also think we're strange because we say quite possibly the weirdest shit.  It'll more than likely catch most people off guard because we really don't care how lame we sound.  If you could only hear the shit we say while sitting in our living room on a typical tuesday night, or any night really.  So this one night in a cab Gip says to me, in all seriousness, "I can't wait till lil wayne gets out of jail." I was shocked. Or if you watch any videos of us you will 100% hear gip saying some crazy ass shit in the background. "ooooh it's diagonal" Were strange, we admit it. Which is why we are talking shit about ourselves before any of you clowns have time to.  Also because you wont, because your scared of our obviously superior shit talking game.

Vanstar on the other hand, likes to pretend she wears real glasses (because they're super, trendy I'm not knockin' them, Vannah) and then get in intense tiffs with fags over the validity of them.  Not like she really cares whether or not you like her glasses, but if you're gonna try and hit on her, don't fuck with the glasses.  Also, we find it ridiculously funny when she sneaks out in her little teal Zoomski to unknown places, yet we are watching her "sneak out" waving frantically from the window.  Then, pretty much all of our roommates will text her with the utmost curiosity as to her whereabouts because that is just how we roll around here.  It's especially funny when she lights up cigs in the back of the UC shuttle, and as soon as she gets called out by some lame ass biotch she asks, "Do you see a fucking cig? Because I'm pretty sure you don't.  So why don't you come back here and try to find it?"

Because we are so strange, we feel the need to bring up another strange mother fucker, Annie, zannzabar, Vollman.  She has the tendency to make extremely vulgar gestures that insinuates a man jacking off and spraying it in your face.  Surprisingly, this attracts lots of people to her, and the gesture is also contagious so pretty soon you'll be doing it too.  Duh!  Also, she has the tendency to add "ski" to the end of every word she says.  Hence, Vanstars car being named Zoomski.  We do not think this is cool, we do however think it is insanely hilarious and retarded. But thats why we love her.

A couple quick recent examples of just how strange we are..

The three of us were hanging out in the living room with a fourth unnamed character, and we were talking as usual, and he stops us and says "you guys are weird." Super serious.  We instantly geek out because it is at the exact moment we are writing our blog about us being weird.

Lastly, because Annie just got back from Chi town and we are all being abnormally nice to each other due to the fact that we missed her oh so much. OVER keee keee.

It's CIIIG time!

I Find Cabbies Strange

We tried to get a cab ride home tonight and the fucking foreigner didn't know where the fuck he was going, so our drunken stupid selves try to tell him where to go and this is how it went...

"take 75 north and get off at hopple."

welllll we pass hoppple and the next time i look up i see Dana avenue. so we say get off here.
he says
"here? here?

yes motherfucker.

thennnn this mother fucker takes us $23.40 out of our way to get us home and tells us that we only owe him $22, and were bitching the entire way, when we asked if he was serious.

vanstar says "do we really have to pay 23 fucking dollars you joking.  so we pay $22.

WHAT THE FUCK.

why on fucking earth are driving a god damn cab when you can't make it from NEWPORT to CLIFTON. you motherfucking FUCKtard.
go back to your country and stop wasting out time.
you suckkkk donkey dick. fa realz.

we need cigs.

It's Strange How Some Sports Are Way Better Than Others

I am a sports girl at heart, whether it comes to playing or watching I'm all about athletics.  Now everyone has their favorite sport to watch and play, mine is basketball hands down(as if you care.) There are, however, a couple sports I can't stand.  Golf for example, how the fuck to people find it enjoyable?  I mean don't get me wrong racing in those little carts would be almost as fun as shooting ginger midgets with a bb gun- not that I know from experience.  I can kind of understand that people like to play it, I don't personally but I guess everyones in to some weird shit.  But how the fuck do you d bags find it enjoyable to watch?  Don't act like you can actually see where the ball goes after dude hits it, because you can't.  That's really all I have to say about golf. I think it's the sport people play who aren't remotely athletic and they just want to be good at something.
Volleyball might be one of the most fun sports to play, but watching it physically burns my retinas. (unless it's kelsey playing because she is a mofo bad ass)  I don't really know where to start, but I guess the spandex will do.  GIRLS-while the majority of your fans are probably creepy old men or creepy younger dudes, the rest of the average people there don't want to see your cooch.  I don't need to be able to see your entire ass, including the hand print from the tool who smacked you around last night--loosey goosey.  I know, you have to sprawl around and move quick, but why, why , why is it necessary to have your spandex up your asshole.  You have slutier uniforms than the cheerleaders, and thats just wrong! And speaking of looking slutty, do you really need to have your diva makeup on before every game?  You come on to the court looking like clowns.  It's not a fashion show, maybe if you concentrated more on practicing instead of getting glamorized for the game you would have a winning record.  What with your little braids and hair ribbons, you look 12.  And we all know 12 is an ugly age so yes, that was an insult.  Okay, so if your really good at volleyball I can get over these peeves because once your that good, you can do whatever the fuck you want.  Now lets pretend you are watching the superior sport, basketball.  When a team scores a basket, what happens?  Think...hmm..oh I don't know run to get into defensive position.  This seems normal, right?  You don't see the team jumping up and down in  a little circle screaming like they just won the state championship.  Then why on fucking earth do volleyball teams feel the need to excessively celebrate after every fucking point.  You still have 24 more points to score, the ass slapping and hugging can wait.  If the bengals can't celebrate after a touchdown (which, lets be honest, doesn't happen very often) then how come volleyball teams can go nuts after every point, EVERY point.  They play best 3 out of 5, to 25 or 26 I don't know, so you have to sit through a minimum of 75 ass slapping huddles.  Now, if your a dude or dyke you might find this concept enjoyable.  I don't.  I saw more ass slaps at kelsey's senior game than Fes(that 70s show anyone?) has seen in all the pornos he watches. I just don't get it, score a point and get ready to score another one.  A majority of the time you look like men flexing your muscles when homegirl gets a block or kill.  Good for her, but that shits expected, it's how you win games.  No one gets that hype when a free throw is made, not even a 3 pointer. Clowns, clowns I tell you.  I think a simple high five would work just fine, hell I'd even accept a fist bump.  So next time your considering acting like a fool, just remember what you look like through someone else's eyes.  I'm sure all you volleyball players have a few things to say about this, so feel free to explain these unknown phenomena's to me, I would love to hear your reasoning.  But I don't give a what what, you still look more lesbian than the US softball team, just pretty lesbians rather than butch ones.


holy hell, I need a cig.

Jockey's are Supa Strange

I don't know about you guys (because I know mass people read this, admit it fuckers) but I think jockeys are really weird.  If you don't know what a jockey is, it's cool because I just had to ask my mom what the official name for those "little men who ride horses" are.  So yea, I can't rip on you for it. Rats.  Anywho, does anyone else think they are weird?  My reasoning for this is the following.  How do they find so many fucking tiny men that like to ride horses?  Clearly you can't have some heffer riding the horse that is meant to race.. defeats the purpose of eh, I don't know, winning?  But I just can't wrap my head around how they find so many little men in the world.  Not only are these men little, but they're fucking tiny.. like awkwardly small.  I know that all guys aren't 6 ft. tall or whatever, but in comparison to these men, I also don't know a lot of boys that are like 5'2 and 100 pounds that enjoy riding horses.  Is it just the mere fact that because they are so small, they feel like the only real purpose they can get out of their height (or lack, thereof) is becoming a jockey and racing horses?  This would make sense to me because I guess they can kind of sway the fact that they're miniature and come back with the fact that they are a jockey and race horses and shit.  Like people pay money to go watch their little asses run around in circles on a horse.. which is a whole other topic of its own.  Not knocking all the people who go get trashed and throw all their money away at Keenland events.  Do what you do, but I'll never understand you imbeciles.  Either way, I wonder if the fathers of these little men are pissed that their son is a little tiny midge, and just do the cliche pressure father-son thing and tell them to go into fucking horse racing.  I don't know, I have no resolution for this argument which is extremely frustrating for the mind. All in all, I'm sorry you guys are so small and I wonder if you guys all get together after the races and rage with all your little selves haha! I truly hope that you achieve a sense of glory when crossing the finish line... on your horse....????//  StrAAAAAAngEE

It's Strange How Ignorant People Are

EBONICS are very strange and hurt my eyes and ears. It's called annunciation people.

mo ta cum lata on dis topic i jus wan a cig

until then, enjoy this in your spare time.

http://joel.net/ebonics/translator.asp     I typed in "if your coming over bring cigs and beer" and the correct ebonics way of saying it is.. 

if yo' coming over bring cigs an' colt 45 and shit.

Rude People = Normal = Strange

Let me paint this picture for you.  Your walking up to a building, maybe going to class, maybe work or sneaking in to the apartment building of the random cumquat your fucking.  Now you see someone else approaching the same entrance as you are, just 2 quick steps ahead of you.  Let's say you have a few things in your hands, no need to go into detail your hands are just full with a random assortment of junk.  Now this classy bitch in front of you decides to proceed to open the door, pretend not to see you and let it close right in your face!  You have a few options if this happens, you can try to stick your leg out to catch the door with the nail of your pinky toe, and swing the door open just enough to slide through.  If this doesn't work you have to re-arrange all the shit in your hand in order to open the door and get a "fucking asshole" out under your breath.  Who the fuck raised this kid anyways? Canadians I'm sure.

I am all about holding the door open for people, but if I hold the door open and you don't say thanks, you better believe I'm livid as fuck.  I immediately regret the decision to hold the door for your sorry ass and am considering drop-kicking you down the stairs.

Grow some manners and remember what your pre-school teacher taught ya.



It's strange how much I understand the bumper-sticker  MEAN PEOPLE SUCK.


Pretty soon Annie is gonna quit asking us nicely for cigs and just say "gimme yo cigs"
porch is a callin!

I find it strange when people are loud in the LIBRARY.

I don't care who you are, you know that the library is a place where no one fucking talks.  Every movie or TV show scene that takes place in a library, whether you like it or not, there's some bitch in glasses saying "Shhhhh!"  Yea, you do not speak in the library.  Well, that's funny because it seems as though every time I wander into UC's library, no matter which one it is, someone is sure as fuck not being quiet.  Whether it be a cell phone text tone going off every 20 seconds, a nerdy foreign kid playing some sort of whacky dork game on the computer, WITH THE SOUND ON mind you, or someone just plain out talking in my ear.  I cannot win, I tell you.  The noise follows me I'm convinced, and today was the worst. 

I was simply trying to get in and out of the library to type this paper real quick and nimble, so naturally I go to the smallest, quietest one thinking I'm gonna tackle this bitch like it's no one's business and go on with my day.  I get the only available computer, give a little secret fist pump and get to work.  So it's going well, it's quiet, i'm typing insanely faster than normal and I'm feeling great when suddenly, the kid in the computer across from the girl sitting next to me strikes up a conversation.  "Do you play a sport," he asks (which, umm are you serious, nice line buddy). She laughs coyly and says no, and this doesn't annoy me because I brushed him and his douchey convo starter-off and went on with my paper.  Ten minutes later, "Are you sure you're not some sort of athlete, I swear I've seen you somewhere." Dude, come on, she said she doesn't play a sport; I'm pretty fucking sure that means she's not an athlete considering they mean the same thing, plus I'm also pretty sure that she's not confused about your silly little question.  AGAIN, she says no.  He asks her name, she tells him, and he immediately looks her up on facebook, while sitting right there.  What? I couldn't believe what I was seeing, then again I tried not to make this obvious considering I'm the one that this conversation doesn't involve.  But seriously, if that were me I'd probably just peace out right then and there.  Fucking weirdo.  But she's cool with it and he goes on and on about how he just can't figure out where he knows her from.  He tells her his name, and she's clearly not really interested but for the sake of being polite she looks him up on facebook too ( I don't know I didn't understand this at all).  His picture pops up and he's a football player, which he obviously wanted her to find out so that she'd be impressed.  Mind you, I'm trying to conceal my laughter while trying to finish this paper as quickly as possible so that I don't have to sit through another minute of this painful scene unfolding in front of me.  The conversation continued awkwardly for a little bit, which I eventually blocked out because I was just annoyed that this kid wouldn't shut the fuck up.  Finally, I'm finishing up my paper, adding some last minute touches, and he types her name in his phone and hands it over top of her computer asking, "Is this how you spell your name?" She says yes and that was it. Hahaha, dude just ask for her number.  That little tricky gesture obviously got you nowhere, and for what?  To annoy everyone around you trying to get their shit done?  You make my blood boil.

Listen, if you're trying to spit some game or whatever that's cool.  I'll even be your wing girl if you want, but don't fucking do it in the library.  No one goes to the library solely to pick up on the opposite sex, and if you do..... yikes. I can hear the porch calling my name already.

Strange Happenings

Today a black man in a hoodrat car let me pull out in front of him.  THAT was strange.

That makes me want a cig..

It's Strange How Many Bad Drivers Exist

We all have those "oh shit" moments while driving, when maybe we ran a red light or accidentally cut someone off.  Every once in a while we catch ourselves reading something insanely funny on our phones, rocking out to our most favorite embarrassing songs, stuffing our faces with fatty drive-thru foods, or digging for gold in a daze.  Reckless driving is as real as herpes.  But all too often I find myself surrounded by plain old shitty drivers.

Case in point- mini van. Just typing those words makes my skin crawl.  I mean, I'll be driving along driving along, and all the sudden a fucking mini van comes out of nowhere.  Instantly I think, or more often yell FUCK out loud.  It's the same idea as when I see a spider.  Immediate damper on my mood for at least the next 5 minutes.  First off soccer mom, I do not give 2 shits if your child is an honor student.  Everyone's an honor student in elementary school.  My retard neighbor is an honor student.  I get it, you love your child and your sooo proud, but the world does not care.  Thats why there are magnets and refrigerators.  I also don't care if there is a baby on board.  Maybe if you didn't drive 10 under I wouldn't be riding your ass.  Not only do I hate mini vans because of how horrible the driving is, but I have painful memories of being that kid in the mini van.  Don't get me wrong, getting a captain seat was always a victory in itself, but the time endured in that captain seat was often too much to bare.  Sandy Reed, I love you, but jesus peddle to the metal please!  It should not take 25 minutes to drive me home from any given destination.  I know your trying to be careful, but when a 12 year old knows it is taking entirely way to long to get from point A to point B, I think it's time to pick up the pace.  We all know the feeling when a mini van is suddenly in front of us, clogging up the fast lane or stopping for a solid 8 seconds at a stop sign, so I sincerely say to all those moms, get off the road! And if you're a man driving a mini van....... uhhh I am at a loss of words other than where have your testicles gone?

And speaking of clogging up fast lanes, does everyone know what the term "fast" means?  For all you fucktards out there, fast means- speedy, quick, not slow. aka at least 10 over the speed limit.  Just because you and your rich self drive an escalade (even though you probably live in a dump) does not mean you can drive slow in the fast lane whenever you please.  Get out of my way and quit being so damn flashy.  I know those things can haul ass, so go ahead--show off what ya got and live a little!

If you can't tell already, I like to drive fast, but once you start swerving all over the damn place and cutting me off that just irks me.  1. I am driving just as fast as the guy in front of me, so take a deep breath and stay in line.  2. There are turn signals for a reason, use them.  Before you cut me off, at least give me a warning.  Before you take a 5 minute turn, warn me so I can go around.  Also if you don't use it, don't get all piss pants when I mack in to your car.  3.  People have babies on board, can't you read?! But really, it's just not worth it to try to pass everyone during rush hour. It won't work and your probably just going to cause an accident that will make everyone else very pissed off.

This just touches some things that piss me off while driving, I wouldn't want to bore you all about those people that make me miss green lights, grandma and grandpa drivers,  or obnoxiously loud exhaust pipes.  If you ever find yourself driving like the maniacs described, please check yourself and quit being a tool.  Just drive, quit being a fucking idiot.

Until next time kids, I think I need a cig.

It's Strange How Shitty Guys' Game Is

Okay, let's clear one thing up.  By all means, we are not the classiest of broads.  We like to steal garbage cans when our excellent landlords do not provide them, and cigarettes may as well be our best friends.  But fuck, when shit is strange, we have to let the world know.

Guys, please figure it out.  Your horrible game is paining me internally.  Don't talk about the weather, and for fuck's sake please don't point out something obvious.  I am not mentally retarded, I know what's going on around me.  I have eyes and ears and pretty much all of the senses unless I have a couple drinks in me causing them to be a tad impaired, but all in all, your game sucks.  Odds are, you are probably over-thinking the circumstances, well stop.  I'm trying to get my dick wet just as much as the next chick, but if your game continues to suck, guess what honey, your hand is your new best friend.  How is Stella supposed to get her groove back when you're talking to a brick wall of a dude?  If you have the answer to this question, get back to us ASAP!! For example, when you walk into a bar looking like popped out of the screen off a Jersey Shore episode, especially when you aren't remotely Italian, I want nothing more than to punch you in the face.  Leave the guido act to Pauly D and the Situation, because frankly it's not hot, and girls are not staring at you because they are completely taken by your auora, they think you look like a fucking idiot.  Save it for Halloween, which obviously most of you did since the "Jersey Shore costume" was annoyingly prominent this year, tools.  Further, just because you are good-looking definitely does not seal the deal.  If you think you're hotter than me you're sadly mistaken.  Unless you're a slutty whore, no girl is going to go for you just because you're easy on the eyes.  Personality actually matters to some people, so get one.  If I'm talking to a dipshit that looks like he's straight out of a Abercrombie and Fitch catalogue, No.  Just no.  If you're super insecure, I can tell.  I don't want to talk to an awkward douche bag, do you?  I doubt it.  I smell fear like a dog.  And God forbid, don't whisper sweet nothings into my ear and try to make out with me when I don't know who the fuck you are.  Have you guys ever heard of a sense of humor?  Make me laugh or something I don't know, rip on me so I'm not so clearly better than you.  Girls like when you are nice to them obvs, but if you can't make me laugh I'm obviously bored.  Believe it or not, girls actually like cool guys, but apparently your idea of cool is way different than ours.  Because you're all fags as far as I'm concerned.  Be confident, be sexy, be funny.  It's not rocket science, silly boys.  Until then, it's cig time.

PAYCE.