Thursday, January 27, 2011

Edumacation is Strange

College is supposed to be a bunch of worthless fucking classes where all we have to do is show up sometimes and do the homework, right?  That's what I thought.  Turns out my professors have a little different idea about things, unfortunately.

First off- Why must we introduce ourselves to the entire classroom and tell everyone our major. No one fucking cares, and I most likely will not speak a word to more than 3 of my classmates.  I don't give a flying fuck what the most interesting fact is about everyone.  We are all the same, no one is remotely interesting, and if by chance I have something interesting to say it probably is not classroom appropriate.  So teachers, for the love of god, stop making me stand up and ramble on about my insanely average self.  I hate, and so does everyone else fucking listening to me.  Unless you are a super conceited douche and think your the coolest mother fucker to roam the planet, you probably love the attenion..whore.

Second point- Everyone knows the first day of class you pick a seat, and you stay there.  Especially by the time you're in your fourth year of college.  You hopefully sit next to a cool dude and make friends to cheat off of.  But when you walk in to class, and your seat is taken, what the fuck?  All I want to say is, what the fuck bitch, get out of my seat you look like a pumpkin!  It's like an unwritten code, don't take my seat.  

Pop quizzes?  What am I 10 years old?  Just fucking tell me what to study so that I excel in your class instead of cursing your name under my breath every other day and counting down the days 'till I can blow you up on the teacher evaluation.  Trust me that I will write with every ounce of desperation in my body to whom ever may be listening that you fucking blow because you give pop quizzes and downright ruin my day.  Don't you hear the undertone of the class just fucking sigh when the words 'pop quiz' escape your mouth?  Get off your high horse with your little surprise quizzes, they make me want to vom all over the piece of paper and turn it into you.  

Another thing that really just irritates me is when a teacher decides they want me to "participate" and therefore calls on me when my hand is not even raised.  No, I don't want to answer the fucking question actually.  I am 21 years old, and for fucks sake I don't need you to make me participate when I don't want to.  Take points off my participation grade if you want, I couldn't care less.   

What's even worse is when they tell you to participate with OTHER PEOPLE.  In case you haven't noticed, I don't take class with all of my best friends because my major is pretty lame and only correlates to what I'm interested in.  Therefore,  I'd much rather sit here with a pisspants look on my face, and be as anti-social as humanly possible.  I'm not here to make friends people, I'm here to make you shut the fuck up about attending class and get these credits out of my hair so I can graduate and throw up a big middle finger to the entire ideal of education.  I go to school because it's what you're supposed to do in regards to what is socially acceptable, not because I actually like to learn.  Fuck learning.  I learned everything I need to know in high school-- drinking is cool and get good grades so your parents can't bitch at you for anything.  Reading and writing was out the door about ten years ago so college, you're pretty much a big fat waste of money.  Stop making me force myself to be nice to these people around me who probably don't want to waste their breath on me either.  It's irritating, and if only I withheld the precision to dart my pencil strait into the retina of your eye to suppress my anger, you better believe I would Professor whatever-the-fuck-your-name-is.  

Your class is the reason I'm frowned upon as the person who lights a cigarette as soon as I step foot out the door.  Yet, I have no shame.  

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Babies Are Strange

In the spirit of Teen Mom's new season, and the fact that none of us are pregnant, we would like to celebrate the strangeness of babies.  These are some strange mother fucking tiny humans.  I mean lets just start with the very beginning.  One little micro spermy meets a hot mini egg, have a quick bone sesh and combine to make a breathing creature.  WHAT?  How does that even happen?  Not only does it continue to grow in a chicks belly, but it causes this chick to get huge and appear to be carrying a watermelon under her shirt 25/7.  When this creature decides it wants to see the light, it comes out of where the sun don't shine, and says to the world "I'm heeeeere" by screaming and crying in the most obnoxious manner.  I mean, why don't babies come out laughing and giggling, because that's the reason we really love them anyways, right?  And then to make it happy, we feed it some shit from a bottle, and it already knows how to swallow it.  If you think about it, babies are fucking geniuses.  How do they know how to cry, laugh, eat, and flail around when they are just born?  Strange!
Ah yes, but it doesn't stop there my friends, no sirree. They enter the world in a wild fashion and then continue to stroll around the world in a stroller, which is fucking awesome, and just... observe. All they do is look around and see everything because when you're a baby you're allowed to have a staring problem.  They probably have so many thoughts dancing around in their little bald heads but they have no way of expressing them.  Then, they mature a little and start blurring one big blob of a word, although it is incomprehensible, as if to tell you something.  But what do you think they're trying to say, and more importantly, what do THEY think they're saying?  It's like one fatass ball of confusion and mystery because no one will ever know.  Out of nowhere, they start saying actual words and walking?  Like how in the fuck do they know what they're doing and how do they know it's socially acceptable?  Their brains don't actually know shit at this point, so how do they just automatically start doing what they're supposed to? This is absolutely mind-boggling.
Now, because we are all humans and have a heart beat, babies can make us light up as soon as we hear them giggle or do some other ridiculously cute thing.  If you have some extra time, and a baby to hang out with, just sit in a room with it and watch as every single person that walks in the room immediately says "awweee how cute! hi little babyyy hiii!"  The grumpiest person can see a happy baby, and all the sudden their problems disappear.  This is all good and well, but the issue I have is why do we constantly talk to babies when we know they can't talk back yet?  I see it everywhere I go.  "Aw little joey do you like your toy?  Is that mushy green stuff good? Yummm, do you want more? Say hi to Elmo!"  Bitch, you know your two month old can not understand the words coming out of your mouth, let alone has the intelligence to actually answer you in English.  I promise you, that baby will not answer, no matter how many times you ask him if he wants his blanky.
All in all, babies are some strange, yet interesting, little miracles that are pretty fantastic as long as they aren't mine ya dig?  Cig time because I still cannn!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Strange Seasonal Depresh.

Have you ever noticed how once all of the leaves have fallen from the trees and that cruel coldness sets in, the overall mood of everyone just.. changes?  Your tan has faded, leaving your skin with a sad, pastey hue unless you're a lucky SOB who has some beautiful ethnic DNA in their gene pool and is blessed with never-ending golden skin-- I say to you, I envy you, but go fuck yourself.  Mother Nature turns into a fugly biotch considering everything is brown and dead.  The snow is pretty but it's also fucking freezing and unless you're someone with an undying love for snow sports (aka you're actually good at them) the snow is just another reason to get pissed off.  Everyone drives like they've either got their temps or they're 99 years old, and inevitably fuck up their cars.  Plans get messed up because everyone in town is flipping their shit about the snow and blowing the entire situation out of proportion by viscously rading the grocery stores and staying imprisoned in their homes.  This, my friends, is seasonal affective disorder, which abbreviated (thank you Dr. Vollman) is SAD.  Point. Proven.

Take notice next time you courageously escape the boundaries of your home every person's face that you pass.  It portrays nothing but pure and utter misery.  Either that, or you don't actually see their face because it's hidden behind layers of clothing to suppress the arctic wind.  It's true.  Every day I can't help but notice behind tear-filled eyes, due to the sting of the wind, the hatred and/or sadness on everyone's face on campus.    And whether you're willing to admit it or not, you sometimes find yourself saying "Oh my GOD!" out loud at how terribly cold it is, and then proceeding to curse the weather inside your head, throwing in a few "fuck this"'s here and there.  No matter how melodramatic it seems, I often find myself wanting to just give up on life.  To simply stop in my tracks, collapse on the ground and just let the good Lord take me because I cannot go on with the coldness any longer.  When the wind is smacking you in the face repeatedly on your nice little stroll, the thought enters my mind no matter what.  It may only las a few seconds, but it never fails to cross my mind.  Then, you kind of realize you're being a pussy and you probably undressed, and gloriously keep on truckin'.

The sad part is, you can't even really call it glorious upon arriving to your destination because once you get there you're still not happy.  It's not like instant happiness overtakes your body and soul, no.  You still waltz in, throw your shit down, and immediately start complaining to whoever will listen about how angry the weather just made you and how fucking cold it is outside.  It never fails, seasonal depression is everywhere and in everybody whether you decide to advertise it or not.  I mean think about it.  You wake up in the morning, you already know it's cold out so you don't have a beautiful day to look forward to.  If Mr. Sunshine ever decides to make an appearance, which is rare, that's pretty cool but can sometimes be misleading.  You almost get mad at the sun too.  Yea, you're brightening my life right now but you're not making me any fucking warmer.  You're just reminding me that summer is still half a year away and you just popped in to say hi and then disappear for another month or two so fuck you sun!  There's no animals outside besides birds, but of course they're not even singing because they're too cold.  The squirrels hardly even come out!  Your house is probably still pretty cold because no one feels like paying an assload of money on their heating bill.  People get fatter because they don't do anything besides bitch and eat.

It just strikes me as such an odd phenomenon.  For a straight 3, give or take, months everyone in cold atmospheres are, for the most part, miserable.  I'm pretty sure a lot of people agree with me that the only great thing about winter is you can get out of a lot of obligations because of snow.  You can blame a lot of shit on snow and people just don't ask questions, they just accept it.  Other than that, whether this is horrible or not, I'm on team Global Warming all the way.  I like warm, warm everything.  Next time you want to complain in the summer about it being too hot, think about this day.  Think about how much you despise everything right now, and then expect to be socked square in the face.. by me.

Until beautiful spring time rolls around, feel free to bitch up a storm you seasonal depressed mother fuckers, because you know everybody else is.  Ain't no shame in it anymore.  Until then, cig time-- out the window of course.