Squirrels are Ridiculous

While sitting on our back balcony as frequently as we do, inevitably we witness the outrageous zoo life that gathers in our backyard.  And no, we are not talking about Canadians and jungle fever, we actually are talking about real live animals.  You know, birds, lizards (what the fuck, lizards in Clifton?), raccoons, your occasional nasty ass opossum that creeps across the wall unless we mack it with a bottle and it plays dead, yes, this happens a lot more frequently than you'd imagine.  But the majority of the time, we spend our balcony breaks watching squirrels in amazement.  Squirrels galore I tell you! They are so fucking strange.

The things that they do are just outrageous.  We've witnessed squirrels spying on other squirrels while peeking over the fence, we took a picture it was awesome.  Sometimes, they get so close to us that we don't know whether to sit and admire, or run for our fucking lives.  They'll climb branches and get to the point that they're literally about 3 feet away from us eating their little apples, but you don't know what a squirrel is going to do next do you?  They stare at you directly in your eyes, and I mean, you don't know whether it's a good stare or I'm about to pounce on your ass stare.  Squirrels are nuts, no pun intended.  Most of the time we just stay seated and silently freak out until it runs away, but what the fuck?  Back up squirrel, you're getting way too close to my grill and it's not okay.

Lately, they like to go through our trash when they think they can get away with it, little grimy bastards.  Yet, somehow someone always ends up abruptly walking out the door to catch them at which point they jump off the trash can, stop directly in front of you debating which way to run, and then book it.  Squirrels, our trash is not your buffet, your dragging trash all around our yard and you're sick fucks anyways for trying to eat garbage. Go get a nut or something.

But when you really think about it, have you ever seen a squirrel walk?  Like simply stroll along?  Usually they're frantically running around jumping from branch to branch and shit because they're squirrels and can do whatever the fuck they want ( which is awesome in my opinion), but guess what?  I saw a squirrel WALK.  Most bizarre thing I've ever witnessed.  It didn't look right, I second guessed my sanity for a minute.

One day as we were sitting outside, we heard this absurd, high pitched noise.  Now, I don't know if you have ever heard this and just ignored it, or if you were as bewildered as me when you realized thats how squirrels fucking communicate.  They sound like a hybrid between a dolphin and a bird.  Absolutely ridiculous.  And then I'm looking around trying to spot the creature chatting away and it appears as though this punk ass squirrel is looking right at me from his little tree branch, ready to launch a chestnut at me.  Excuse me bitch, you are in my backyard, so check yourself and scram kid.

While pondering the life of a squirrel just 5 minutes ago,  I thought "hey, how do they know who their family is?  Do they hang out with the same friends all the time?  I wonder if they have little squirrel parties.  BYON"  I mean they are like asians, they all look the same.  How do they tell who is who?  I suppose we'll never know the answer to these questions, and I am sure there are scientific theories, but those really mean nothing to me.  I think I'll wait to ask a squirrel myself next time one is chilling in the garbage can.  Keep up the good work you strange little barbarians, you're blowing our minds. Time to go watch some more squirrels if ya know what I mean.

It's Strange How You Are Always On Your Cell Phone

First let me admit, I love my iphone. I really really do, and I understand all you people who also love your cell phones.  As a society, we would be mother fucking lost without our digital connections.  What, with our facebook and twitter and texting, and even walkie talkie-ing, aren't we just technologically savvy.  But one thing that really makes me super fucking pissed is when people use their cell phones at the most inappropriate times.

Okay, let me be a diva for just one second..if you come up to my fucking counter or bar to order food from me, you tell that person your on the phone with to hold on one hot second so you can order your chicken waangs.  I don't really give a flaming fuck what Bon Qui Qui did last night, or who is pregnant, or which player played your ass.  Get off your phone.  I will not stand there and wait for your phone conversation to finish.  I will walk away and get other shit done and make you wait for me.  Also if you are ordering food from me, hear your phone ring, AND answer it and tell me to hold on, you are just a shameless dick.  I hate you.  You better believe I am moving on to the next customer.   If you are in my fucking sales room, you put that shit on silent.  Why are you gonna answer your phone just to tell that person that you have to call them back.  You are only pissing that person off, because obviously they need something, but you choose to tease them by answering your phone, only to basically hang up on them again.  Just hater button that shit.  And if you answer it and decide to have a full fucking conversation then you might just be one of the most rude people on planet Earth.  Everyone, just put your phone away when someone is waiting on you.

Another time you should not be on your phone is while you are at dinner with either a) a date. b) all your best friends. c) important people from work.  d) anyone else you feel is somewhat important.  Of course, there are always exceptions to this rule, like if you are trying to signal to your friends to save you from the disaster of a date you are on, or making plans for the evening.  Let's say you go to eat at a nice place with your best friends.  Why are you sexting your life away?  All your friends are with you, who could you be texting?  and why do they matter more than your friends?  They don't, so quit being a chach.

Listen, there are plenty of times that it is acceptable to be chatting on your mobile, but sometimes just take a look around and realize you are acting like a jackass.  If you are the only one with a phone out, you should probably put it away.  Use a little common sense people!

And please don't answer your phone to tell me you have to call me right back.  I'd rather it go to voicemail.

balcony.

Oprah is strange.

Here me out, I'm all about girl power and all that shit.  Like girls pay for boys now and stuff (bullshit) but whatever, it's cool.  Society has changed, I get it.  However, people are all on Oprah's nuts saying she's going to take over the world and all that jazz, I don't really understand.  I simply cannot wrap my mind around it.  Don't get me wrong, part of me thinks she's a saint for all the shit she gives away and all the poor people she helps.  She asks certain people that million-dollar question that everyone is dying to know and gets away with it.  Touche, Oprah.  You had a rough upbringing and now you're a billionaire, I dig it.  HOWEVER, why do you interrupt everyone?  People come on your show with their sob stories, they are gracing you with their presence, attracting Americans to watch your show, yet you never fail to fucking interrupt them.  If some girl is crying, talking about when she was kidnapped in Africa by a wild tribe that wants to take her hostage for her blonde hair, why in the fuck are you going to interrupt her in the midst of her intense story?? WHY?!  I can't deny that I watch her show because, I mean come on, she has some really interesting shit sometimes, you all know you want to see what she's got cookin'.  But it makes my blood boil when people are fulfilling their purpose for coming on the show by simply telling their story, and you're hardly listening to what they're saying because you're too goddamn focused on what question you're going to ask next IN THE MIDDLE of the juicy shit they're already elaborating on.  My skin crawls every time you do it, seriously.  When I'm completely caught up in this person's experience, possibly even on the verge of crying (it happens dude, fuck you), the last thing I want to hear is your voice.  Wait until they are done speaking, and then speak.  It's common courtesy, you should know this by now being a 50 year old or whatever the fuck age you are.  Also, there's too many commercials, too fucking many.  You let these people talk for a total of about 5 give or take minutes, and then you interrupt them, imagine that, and say your little annoying line.. "We'll be right back". NOOOO, it just got so intense, why do we have to watch the commercials in order to see how this bitch escaped from Africa?  I am so impatient along with over half of the world, and you want to make all of us dedicated viewers wait 5 more minutes to watch your next 5-minute long segment just to crush my dreams again.  It's bullshit! I love you Oprah, but I also love to hate you Oprah because sometimes you are rude.  You're not fucking allowed to be rude because you are Oprah.  I get it that you're super rich and you feel that you can do whatever you want, include interrupt people and have an outlandish amount of commercials during your show, but newsflash bitch.  You're pissing everyone off.  I know some of you Oprah-devoted fucks are going to be mad at me and I apologize.  But whether you're willing to admit it or not, you agree with me and I know it.  Shape up you rich bia you, because you'll make a hell of a lot of people satisfied.  See ya!

It's Strange When People Can't Parallel Park

So your driving to clifton and you already know how shitty the parking situation is.  You start driving around the side streets  just praying for an open spot with a lot of room on each side.  Then you spot it, an open spot not too far away from where you are going to be galavanting around.  But then you notice, some douchebag didn't pull up far enough so your gonna have to squeeze your shit into a tiny ass spot.  Alright, you got this, you have paralleled a thousand times before, but this time you have 2 other people in the car, and naturally there is a car behind you with mass babes waiting for you to get out of the way.  And you blow it. Maneuvering back and forth 12 times like Austin Powers, and you look as dumb as you feel while everyone is staring making fun of you.  It kills me to see how many people do not understand the concept of parallel parking.  Retards, its not that hard.  I don't care how big or small your car is, it should never take you more than 10 seconds to pull in to a spot.  If it does, you suck.  Because I'm feeling extra nice today, I am going to tell you how to park without looking like a complete ass hole.  It may even impress those of the opposite sex around you, and you might get laid that night.  I even included a diagram!

Step 1. Pull up to car 1 almost exactly next to it.

Step 2. Cut your wheel (using this example) just about as hard as you can to the right.

Step 3. While reversing, use your left side mirror and keep going until you see the headlights of car 2.

Step 4. Cut your wheel really hard to the left, and ease in and straighten out as you see fit, depending on how close you are to each car.

Step 5. Thats it! Now your ballin outrageous.

So next time you need to parallel, remember these 5 simple steps.  Save yourself time and embarrassment, because honestly I can't bear to watch another person suck at parking.  It's strange. 

Now I'm going to smoke a cig and watch this clown try to park.  Maybe I'll help him.

Really Strange

To continue from yesterday..this is how strange.....

porch.

We. Are. Strange.

Where do we begin? We find it strange how we literally enjoy talking mass shit, and how hysterical we find ourselves.  Don't get it twisted, we may rip on all of you douchebags a pretty good amount, but we rip on ourselves just as much.  We like to make jokes about how disgusting we are, and how vulgar our lives are.  We can honestly say we're some of the most awkward people you may ever encounter, especially because when we say we don't give a fuck, we really, really don't (Kat Williams voice).  We have the minds of men, and if you think we're kidding, test us seriously.  We'll probably be the first people to talk shit and put you in your place, especially when combined.  The other week this faggot told us to keep being ugly because we didn't want to hear the idiotic shit that repeatedly came out of his mouth.  He was talking about Savannah's glasses? Um, shut the fuck up.  They are real bitch.  Then, when we blew him off, he got all pisspants and tried to insult our phenomenal good looks.  First of all, we know that you're not serious.  You approached us in the first place and tried to spit your awful game ( see post #1),  so if you thought we were so goddamn ugly why did you try and talk to us? Right, joke's on you.  Sorry that you wanted to talk about glasses out your ass, but don't start pouting when we don't want to have anything to do with you.  Second of all, we got you kicked out, due to that fact that you were talking shit.  However, we turned around and talked shit right back, to which you threatened to throw us through a door? Check yourself.

On a brighter note, we also think we're strange because we say quite possibly the weirdest shit.  It'll more than likely catch most people off guard because we really don't care how lame we sound.  If you could only hear the shit we say while sitting in our living room on a typical tuesday night, or any night really.  So this one night in a cab Gip says to me, in all seriousness, "I can't wait till lil wayne gets out of jail." I was shocked. Or if you watch any videos of us you will 100% hear gip saying some crazy ass shit in the background. "ooooh it's diagonal" Were strange, we admit it. Which is why we are talking shit about ourselves before any of you clowns have time to.  Also because you wont, because your scared of our obviously superior shit talking game.

Vanstar on the other hand, likes to pretend she wears real glasses (because they're super, trendy I'm not knockin' them, Vannah) and then get in intense tiffs with fags over the validity of them.  Not like she really cares whether or not you like her glasses, but if you're gonna try and hit on her, don't fuck with the glasses.  Also, we find it ridiculously funny when she sneaks out in her little teal Zoomski to unknown places, yet we are watching her "sneak out" waving frantically from the window.  Then, pretty much all of our roommates will text her with the utmost curiosity as to her whereabouts because that is just how we roll around here.  It's especially funny when she lights up cigs in the back of the UC shuttle, and as soon as she gets called out by some lame ass biotch she asks, "Do you see a fucking cig? Because I'm pretty sure you don't.  So why don't you come back here and try to find it?"

Because we are so strange, we feel the need to bring up another strange mother fucker, Annie, zannzabar, Vollman.  She has the tendency to make extremely vulgar gestures that insinuates a man jacking off and spraying it in your face.  Surprisingly, this attracts lots of people to her, and the gesture is also contagious so pretty soon you'll be doing it too.  Duh!  Also, she has the tendency to add "ski" to the end of every word she says.  Hence, Vanstars car being named Zoomski.  We do not think this is cool, we do however think it is insanely hilarious and retarded. But thats why we love her.

A couple quick recent examples of just how strange we are..

The three of us were hanging out in the living room with a fourth unnamed character, and we were talking as usual, and he stops us and says "you guys are weird." Super serious.  We instantly geek out because it is at the exact moment we are writing our blog about us being weird.

Lastly, because Annie just got back from Chi town and we are all being abnormally nice to each other due to the fact that we missed her oh so much. OVER keee keee.

It's CIIIG time!

I Find Cabbies Strange

We tried to get a cab ride home tonight and the fucking foreigner didn't know where the fuck he was going, so our drunken stupid selves try to tell him where to go and this is how it went...

"take 75 north and get off at hopple."

welllll we pass hoppple and the next time i look up i see Dana avenue. so we say get off here.
he says
"here? here?

yes motherfucker.

thennnn this mother fucker takes us $23.40 out of our way to get us home and tells us that we only owe him $22, and were bitching the entire way, when we asked if he was serious.

vanstar says "do we really have to pay 23 fucking dollars you joking.  so we pay $22.

WHAT THE FUCK.

why on fucking earth are driving a god damn cab when you can't make it from NEWPORT to CLIFTON. you motherfucking FUCKtard.
go back to your country and stop wasting out time.
you suckkkk donkey dick. fa realz.

we need cigs.