Babies Are Strange

In the spirit of Teen Mom's new season, and the fact that none of us are pregnant, we would like to celebrate the strangeness of babies.  These are some strange mother fucking tiny humans.  I mean lets just start with the very beginning.  One little micro spermy meets a hot mini egg, have a quick bone sesh and combine to make a breathing creature.  WHAT?  How does that even happen?  Not only does it continue to grow in a chicks belly, but it causes this chick to get huge and appear to be carrying a watermelon under her shirt 25/7.  When this creature decides it wants to see the light, it comes out of where the sun don't shine, and says to the world "I'm heeeeere" by screaming and crying in the most obnoxious manner.  I mean, why don't babies come out laughing and giggling, because that's the reason we really love them anyways, right?  And then to make it happy, we feed it some shit from a bottle, and it already knows how to swallow it.  If you think about it, babies are fucking geniuses.  How do they know how to cry, laugh, eat, and flail around when they are just born?  Strange!
Ah yes, but it doesn't stop there my friends, no sirree. They enter the world in a wild fashion and then continue to stroll around the world in a stroller, which is fucking awesome, and just... observe. All they do is look around and see everything because when you're a baby you're allowed to have a staring problem.  They probably have so many thoughts dancing around in their little bald heads but they have no way of expressing them.  Then, they mature a little and start blurring one big blob of a word, although it is incomprehensible, as if to tell you something.  But what do you think they're trying to say, and more importantly, what do THEY think they're saying?  It's like one fatass ball of confusion and mystery because no one will ever know.  Out of nowhere, they start saying actual words and walking?  Like how in the fuck do they know what they're doing and how do they know it's socially acceptable?  Their brains don't actually know shit at this point, so how do they just automatically start doing what they're supposed to? This is absolutely mind-boggling.
Now, because we are all humans and have a heart beat, babies can make us light up as soon as we hear them giggle or do some other ridiculously cute thing.  If you have some extra time, and a baby to hang out with, just sit in a room with it and watch as every single person that walks in the room immediately says "awweee how cute! hi little babyyy hiii!"  The grumpiest person can see a happy baby, and all the sudden their problems disappear.  This is all good and well, but the issue I have is why do we constantly talk to babies when we know they can't talk back yet?  I see it everywhere I go.  "Aw little joey do you like your toy?  Is that mushy green stuff good? Yummm, do you want more? Say hi to Elmo!"  Bitch, you know your two month old can not understand the words coming out of your mouth, let alone has the intelligence to actually answer you in English.  I promise you, that baby will not answer, no matter how many times you ask him if he wants his blanky.
All in all, babies are some strange, yet interesting, little miracles that are pretty fantastic as long as they aren't mine ya dig?  Cig time because I still cannn!