Facebook Statuses Are Strange

We all update our facebook status frequently, or at least log on to facebook once in a while to read the pointless shit people post on there.  And we all know the giggly feeling we get inside when we log on and see at least 4 people have "liked" our status, or even commented! Well hey there ms. popular!
There are those certain occasions, however when some douche completely ruins the mood with a gay fucking status.  And I don't mean gay as in homosexual (well sometimes), I mean just flat out dumb.  Like for those of you who feel the need to tell me exactly what you are doing that day and the next, and the next, fuck you.  I don't give a what what!  That's what away messages were for,  not facebook.  If you have to work, COOL. So do I.  And why do you think I want to know that you are going to the mall, picking up your sister and writing a paper later?  What, do you want me to meet you at the mall?  Or do you just want people to know that you actually do other things besides sit at your computer and update facebook.
I would like to take this time to thank all of you girls that do have boyfriends, for taking the time out of your day to try to rub it in my face.  I am fully aware I am single and god dammit I enjoy it.  You are not the only girl in the entire fucking  world that thinks your boyfriend is the best.  And I promise you, he is not  the best.  Maybe you think he is but the rest of the world does not.  By all means, if you love your boyfriend and you think he is a fucking god, you go ahead and be happy.  But please leave facebook out of it.  How about instead of preaching about how fucking sweet he is you go enjoy that bastards company and see a movie or bone or something. For the love of god, just stop burning my eyes with your sappy statuses before I gouge them out in your honor.
Further, please stop complaining to the world about how shitty your life is.  If you're hung up over a guy and you want to tell all of the Facebook nation how much you hate your life and hate guys (or girls for all of you pussies out there), here's a big fucking whoopty-doo for your lame ass.  We really, REALLY, do not care.  If you haven't noticed, which I simply can't believe, you're making yourself look completely and utterly pathetic.  Like are you seriously that depressed that some guy played the fuck out of you? If so, why? Think about it, you naive little pansy.  Not to mention, you're all blatant attention whores.  I can't stand I see a status that reads, "Fuck this. I hate my life so much just don't care anymore!!!!! >:(", at which all of your kiss ass friends reply, "OMG babe what happened?!?!?!?" and then you write back "Text me...." Seriously, if you're going to be all pisspants and make a status begging for attention from others, the least you can do is let everyone in on what you're upset about.  You know what I like to call that? Fucking idiotic.  You're leaving all of us attentive followers of your invigorating status updates in the dust, and we are upset because of it. Sike.  Get a life and get a backbone, you look fucking stupid.
If you find yourself shaking your head in disagreement, it is probably because you actually do these things and are mad we called you out on it.  If you agree with us completely, kudos to you!  You may or may not be a tool. Plus we're always right so it is probably to your benefit to agree with us.  Go ahead and post your new facebook status, but for the sake of my sanity please at least make it worthwhile.  Throw a little joke in there or something, make it juicy.  And for pete's sake, lay off the hearts! <3 they fucking suck and are close to being the cheesiest thing on facebook.
BYE you HELLO porch.