While sitting on our back balcony as frequently as we do, inevitably we witness the outrageous zoo life that gathers in our backyard. And no, we are not talking about Canadians and jungle fever, we actually are talking about real live animals. You know, birds, lizards (what the fuck, lizards in Clifton?), raccoons, your occasional nasty ass opossum that creeps across the wall unless we mack it with a bottle and it plays dead, yes, this happens a lot more frequently than you'd imagine. But the majority of the time, we spend our balcony breaks watching squirrels in amazement. Squirrels galore I tell you! They are so fucking strange.
The things that they do are just outrageous. We've witnessed squirrels spying on other squirrels while peeking over the fence, we took a picture it was awesome. Sometimes, they get so close to us that we don't know whether to sit and admire, or run for our fucking lives. They'll climb branches and get to the point that they're literally about 3 feet away from us eating their little apples, but you don't know what a squirrel is going to do next do you? They stare at you directly in your eyes, and I mean, you don't know whether it's a good stare or I'm about to pounce on your ass stare. Squirrels are nuts, no pun intended. Most of the time we just stay seated and silently freak out until it runs away, but what the fuck? Back up squirrel, you're getting way too close to my grill and it's not okay.
Lately, they like to go through our trash when they think they can get away with it, little grimy bastards. Yet, somehow someone always ends up abruptly walking out the door to catch them at which point they jump off the trash can, stop directly in front of you debating which way to run, and then book it. Squirrels, our trash is not your buffet, your dragging trash all around our yard and you're sick fucks anyways for trying to eat garbage. Go get a nut or something.
But when you really think about it, have you ever seen a squirrel walk? Like simply stroll along? Usually they're frantically running around jumping from branch to branch and shit because they're squirrels and can do whatever the fuck they want ( which is awesome in my opinion), but guess what? I saw a squirrel WALK. Most bizarre thing I've ever witnessed. It didn't look right, I second guessed my sanity for a minute.
One day as we were sitting outside, we heard this absurd, high pitched noise. Now, I don't know if you have ever heard this and just ignored it, or if you were as bewildered as me when you realized thats how squirrels fucking communicate. They sound like a hybrid between a dolphin and a bird. Absolutely ridiculous. And then I'm looking around trying to spot the creature chatting away and it appears as though this punk ass squirrel is looking right at me from his little tree branch, ready to launch a chestnut at me. Excuse me bitch, you are in my backyard, so check yourself and scram kid.
While pondering the life of a squirrel just 5 minutes ago, I thought "hey, how do they know who their family is? Do they hang out with the same friends all the time? I wonder if they have little squirrel parties. BYON" I mean they are like asians, they all look the same. How do they tell who is who? I suppose we'll never know the answer to these questions, and I am sure there are scientific theories, but those really mean nothing to me. I think I'll wait to ask a squirrel myself next time one is chilling in the garbage can. Keep up the good work you strange little barbarians, you're blowing our minds. Time to go watch some more squirrels if ya know what I mean.
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